Ephesians 4:17–6:9. A New Way of Walking
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Back in the day, everyone walked. That’s how you got from A to B. Then came a game-changer — animal-powered travel. People began to travel on horses, camels, and donkeys. After that, humans took to the water with rafts and boats. Then came the wheel. Then railways. Then cars. Then planes. Then rockets. Each stage reshaped the way we live, connect, and move across the world.
But there’s been an even greater shift when it comes to walking, one that’s far more significant than how we travel. In Ephesians, we’re told of the old way of walking (or “living”) and the new way of walking.
What’s the old way of walking? In Ephesians 4:17, Paul tells his readers that they must “no longer walk [or live] as the Gentiles do”.
What did that look like? It involved a bit of a downward spiral. In verse 18:
Hard Hearts. We willingly rejected God and his truth.
Ignorance. We were therefore ignorant of God’s truth.
Darkened understanding. Our understanding of reality was thereby darkened and corrupted.
Separated from God. Consequently, we were separated from God.
Then, in verse 19:
Sensitivity Lost. We became calloused and insensitive.
Sensuality. We lost all sense of what is acceptable for people to do.
Impurity. We became filthy and dirty.
Greed. We desired the things of this world more than the God who created it.
Then, in verse 22, we read that our desires had been corrupted. That was the old way of walking.
What’s the new way of walking? The new way of walking involves “putting off” the old self, leaving behind the old way of walking, and turning to a new way. In verses 23–24 we read that we were taught:
to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
We’re made new in our attitude, given a new self, and created to be like God. That’s the new way we walk. And this changes everything. How?
1. Relationships and Speech
To begin with, the new way of walking involves new ways of relating to people in our speech.
How shouldn’t we speak? As those who are being made new, there’s no space for:
Lying (4:25) — “Each of you must put off falsehood”.
Unwholesome talk (4:29) — “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths”. In other words, no words that damage, defile or degrade.
Bitterness, rage, slander, and malice (4:31) — these are some examples of unwholesome talk. Get rid of it.
Obscenity, foolish talk, and coarse joking (5:4) — they shouldn’t be there. No swearing. No dumb excuses (or supposedly clever theological reasoning) for swearing either—it’s unacceptable for someone who walks the new way. No foolish (literally, “moronic”) conversations. We’ll explore joking in more detail shortly.
How should we speak? Here’s what Paul says:
Truthfully (4:25) — “Speak truthfully to your neighbour.”
Constructively (4:29) — speak “only what is helpful for building others up… that it may benefit those who listen.” We want to be builders, not lumberjacks.
Kind and forgiving (4:32) — “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other.” That’s how we build up.
Thankfully — we replace all of those other forms of bad speech with thanksgiving (5:4). How do we do that? Well, we can be “speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (5:19-20).
What about jokes? This could’ve been covered in the “how shouldn’t we speak” section, but I’m a youth pastor. And I’m in Australia. This requires a bit more attention.
When Paul says, “no coarse joking”, he’s not ruling out all humour. Jesus certainly had a sense of humour (see Matthew 7:3–5, 23:24, 19:24, Luke 13:32, 14:18–20, and 18:1–8). When “coarse joking” is listed alongside obscenity and foolish talk, it shows that our humour shouldn’t include sexual innuendo, double meanings, mockery, or anything demeaning.
Australians often use humour to cut people down — but that runs directly against what Paul is calling for in Ephesians 5.
Why is this important? Our words reveal our hearts, and our speech shapes our relationships. But even more than this, unwholesome speech grieves the Holy Spirit (4:30)! This is huge. It means the way we speak can either honour or offend the very Spirit who’s dwelling in our hearts and transforming us into Christ’s likeness. Earlier in chapter 4, we’re called to live lives worthy of our calling and to grow into Christ’s likeness. It’s hard to do this while grieving the Holy Spirit.
2. Relationships and Purity
The new way of walking also impacts the purity of our relationships. For this, we need an example to follow.
Whose example should we follow? In Ephesians 5:1, we’re called to follow God’s example. How do we do this? We love people, just as Jesus loved us (verse 2). This has major impacts on our purity.
How much sin is acceptable? Not even a hint! In verse 3, we read: “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”
What counts as a “hint”? In particular, what counts as a “hint” of sexual immorality?
To begin with, “sexual immorality” basically refers to any sexual activity between one or more persons that is outside of the context of marriage. This includes things like:
Sex before marriage
Adultery (sex with someone else’s spouse)
Pornography
Sexting
Homosexual practice
But Paul goes further. There shouldn’t even be a hint of this. Imagine the following scenarios:
You’re alone late at night with your boyfriend or girlfriend
You sleep over at your girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s house with no other adults present
You go on a holiday alone with your girlfriend or boyfriend
You move into the same house as your girlfriend or boyfriend
If your next-door neighbour saw you doing these things, what would they think? Is there a “hint” that you’re doing the wrong thing? Even if you’re not doing the wrong thing, is there a “hint”?
If you told your friend you were doing these things, would they be a bit suspicious?
Surely, it’s giving a “hint” of doing the wrong thing. No? And if sin involves breaking God’s commands, and God’s command says “not a hint”, and then you’re giving a “hint” of doing the wrong thing, by giving the hint, you’re sinning. Aren’t you?
Why is this so important? This is important for (at least) three reasons:
a) It’s unfitting for who we are
These are improper for God’s holy people
Ephesians 5:3
We’ve been set apart to belong to God. Sexual immorality, impurity, and greed don’t match our new identity. Living this way is like wearing the clothes of the old self we’ve already taken off (Ephesians 4:22–24). It’s not just bad behaviour: it’s acting like we don’t belong to Jesus.
b) It excludes people from the kingdom
No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.
Ephesians 5:5
If we’re engaging in these kinds of activity and refuse to repent, we will be excluded from God’s kingdom. That’s a big deal.
c) It provokes God’s wrath
Because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient.
Ephesians 5:6
More than just missing out on something good, if we remain in the realm of “such things” we will experience something really bad—God’s righteous but fair wrath or anger. This is something you want to avoid at all costs.
Bottom line? Our purity before God is a big deal, and if we don’t take what God says seriously, it will have everlasting consequences.
3. The Marriage Relationship
In Ephesians 5:21-6:9, Paul considers how this new way of walking impacts various particular relationships. Back in 5:18, Paul commands his readers to “be filled with the Spirit”. What does this look like? He teases this out with five participles (basically, “-ing” words, even though we don’t quite see the “ing-ness” of all five of these words in most English translations).
What does being filled with the Spirit look like?
Speaking with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit (verse 19)
Singing and (verse 19)
Making music from your heart to the Lord (verse 19)
Giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ (verse 20)
Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ (verse 21)
In 5:22-6:9, Paul explains what it means to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Note: this doesn’t mean that everyone submits to everyone. There’s nothing about parents submitting to their parents or masters submitting to their slaves. No surprises there. Perhaps more surprising—there’s nothing about husbands submitting to their wives.
How are husbands and wives to treat each other? In short:
Wives are to submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ (verses 22–24).
Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (verses 25–30).
What does their treatment of each other have in common? There are various elements of commonality or mutuality here. These include:
Selflessness: Both are called to put the other first, before themselves. It’s not about power and control—it’s about the other. It’s not about me. It’s about the other.
Sacrifice: Each role involves making sacrifices for the good of the other. The wife is called to submit to her husband. This will often involve sacrificing what she wants for the good of her husband. The husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Christ loved the church so much that he gave up his life for her. That’s the level of sacrifice expected of a husband.
This is significant. There’s no place for power or control dynamics in marriage. There’s certainly no place for abuse. Sadly, many men have used passages like Ephesians 5 to justify abusive behaviour toward their wives. This is abhorrent and completely out of step with the selflessness and sacrifice Ephesians 5 calls for.
Imagine the husband and wife disagree about an issue.
The husband wants one thing, but the wife wants the other thing. The husband shouldn’t say, “Woman, submit to me, I’m your husband. Give me what I want.” Nor should the woman say, “You’re supposed to love me like Christ loved the church. Now give me what I want.”
Rather, the husband should say, “How can I put you first, as I seek to love you?” Likewise, the wife should say, “How can I put you first, as I seek to submit to you?”
When a marriage operates in this way, it is a beautiful thing. In the vast majority of situations, that is how a marriage should operate.
What’s different? While there’s a great deal of mutuality or commonality, the mode of relating is not purely symmetrical. There’s a degree of asymmetry. As we’ve already seen:
Wives are to submit to their husbands as their heads (selflessly and sacrificially).
Husbands are called to be “heads”. Being the “head” primarily involves loving their wives (selflessly and sacrificially)
Husbands have a specific duty to present their wives as “holy and blameless”.
Often, people suggest that the submission should go both ways, citing verse 21. However, it’s worth noting that verse 24 says that “wives should submit to their husbands in everything”. It never says that the husband should “submit”, nor does it say that they should submit “in everything”. Verse 21 functions as a heading for 5:22-6:9. So, the wife should seek to submit in “everything”. When her husband loves her like Christ loved the church, this should be pretty easy and enjoyable.
Similarly, the wife is never referred to as the “head”. But the husband is. In the Bible, when the term “head” is used metaphorically, it nearly always refers to a position of authority. That’s what it means for the husband to be the head. This means that husbands need to step up and lead. Men easily get distracted by things like work, sport and TV, and then neglect their wives and families. Men need to step up, leading and loving their wives, placing her needs over his needs (and his distractions).
There may be situations when a husband will need to cast the deciding vote when there’s a disagreement over something. There may also be time pressures, meaning that the husband and wife cannot keep discussing the matter for forty days and forty nights. The husband may feel that he is being self-sacrificial in his thought process. The wife may feel that she is being self-sacrificial in her thought process. But, at the end of the day, they disagree. In such a situation, Paul’s logic suggests that the husband—as the head—would need to make the final decision and the wife would need to respect that decision. That said, his decision must be loving and self-sacrificial. If he’s putting himself first, he’s sinning and should repent.
One other thought on the difference factor—we need to be careful not to read our own cultural stereotypes into marriage. The Bible never says that the husband must lead by mowing the lawn and cleaning gutters, nor does it mean that the wife must submit by doing all of the washing and cooking. There are various cultural stereotypes, but they’re not biblical ones. Rather, we need to think in terms of biblical principles, and how this may apply will sometimes vary from couple to couple.
The Bible says that women should be “busy in the home” (Titus 2:5)—she shouldn’t neglect her home duties—but that doesn’t mean that women must do all the work inside the home, that she may only work inside the home, nor does it mean that any outside employment is forbidden. Nor does it mean that men shouldn’t be busy inside the home (see Ephesians 6:4 if you don’t believe me).
The “wife of noble character” in Proverbs 31, runs a household and a business (verses 15, 27), buys land and plants a vineyard (verse 16), trades profitably with merchants (verses 18, 24), and is praised not just by her family, but at the city gate (verses 31), a public recognition of her industrious life. So, we need to be careful that we don’t read our own cultural biases into the role of women in marriage and family life.
That said, we must also recognise that there is a difference between husbands and wives, and these differences should be celebrated.
What is marriage modelled on? Hopefully, this has already been made obvious, but just in case you missed it, husbands and wives model their relationship on the relationship between Christ and the church. As we just saw, wives submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ; husbands love their wives as Christ loved the church.
Christians don’t submit to Christ only when it’s convenient—we submit all the time. Same thing with wives. Christ didn’t love the church only when it was convenient for him—he loved us to the point of death. That’s what’s expected of husbands.
People are often nervous about applying what the Bible teaches about marriage. Sometimes people try to argue that what Paul teaches here was only specific to first-century Christians—it doesn’t apply to culturally enlightened 21st-century westerners like us.
As well as being a prime example of what C.S. Lewis called “chronological snobbery”, this kind of thinking forgets the fact that Paul’s teaching is grounded in the gospel and the doctrine of creation. Marriage is modelled on the gospel. The gospel still applies today. Therefore, so does Paul’s teaching on marriage.
In verse 31, Paul also grounds his teaching on marriage in the doctrine of creation. He quotes Genesis 2:24, words that were spoken hundreds or thousands of miles away from ancient Ephesus, and hundreds or thousands of years before Paul wrote this letter to the Ephesians.
Why does this matter? What Paul is teaching here is “trans-contextual”. It’s not specific to one time or location—it applies across the board. It’s grounded in the doctrines of salvation and creation, doctrines that are not specific to one time or location.
How might this passage help us think about who to date and how to date? You might not be thinking much about marriage, but you might be wondering about dating. For Christians, dating will either end in a breakup or marriage—there’s no other option. If you’re dating with the intention of breaking up, that’s kind of pointless. Therefore, when thinking about dating, marriage should be on the cards. If that feels like too much pressure, you’re probably not ready to be thinking about dating.
Who to date
Husbands are called to love their wives like Christ loved the church. And they are called to present their wives as holy and blameless.
Ladies—if looking for a boyfriend, pick someone who you think—if he marries you—could love you like Christ loved the church, and who will work to present you as holy and blameless. Obviously, that will exclude dating a non-Christian—how on earth is he going to be able to do these things if he doesn’t even know Jesus? Also, you want to choose someone whom you can see yourself being able to submit to. If he has a habit of making bad decisions, it’s going to be hard to submit to him. Probably don’t date him.
Blokes—if looking for a girlfriend, look for someone—if she marries you—who you think you’ll be able to love like Christ loved the church. Similarly, look for someone who wants to be presented as holy and blameless before God. If they don’t want to be presented as holy and blameless, your job as a husband one day will be pretty difficult.
Of course, being single is a really good option. It’s how we’re born, and it’s how we’re going to be forevermore in the new creation. So, don’t feel like you must date someone to be someone.
How to date
We’ve already seen that there’s no place for even a hint of sexual immorality (Ephesians 5:3). In addition to this, when dating, you want to make sure that you take on a selfless and sacrificial mindset, as you seek to honour God. Put the needs of the other person ahead of your own.
4. Family Relationships
Next up, in chapter 6, we come to family relationships
How are children to treat their parents? Verse 1 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord.” Children are to obey their parents. Full stop. What the parent says is ultimately what “goes”.
How do they do this? Given that it’s “in the Lord”, their obedience will be directed by the Lord Jesus and what he wants. It will also be limited by his lordship. So, if a parent calls a child to do something that goes against what God wants, the child should not obey. But, as a general thing, the child will obey their parents.
Why? Three reasons:
First, “for this is right” (verse 1). It’s just the right thing to do.
Second, it was commanded by God in the Ten Commandments—“Honour your father and mother” (verse 2).
Third, “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (verse 3). This is a general promise rather than a guarantee. As a general thing, obedient children grow into adults who help build stable societies and healthy families, which in turn leads to general well-being.
How are parents to treat their children? In verse four, Paul gives two answers:
First and negatively, “don’t exasperate your children”. Or, in other words, parents shouldn’t do things that will unnecessarily make their kids feel angry. Treat them well.
Second and positively, “bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
Why? The reason is fairly well grounded in the instruction. Don’t exasperate or anger your children so that they don’t get exasperated or angry. Instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord so that they will be trained and instructed in the ways of the Lord!
5. Workplace Relationships
In the closing of this unit, Paul talks about workplace relationships in 6:5-9. Here, he is talking about slaves and masters. Slavery in Biblical times wasn’t the same as the kind of slavery we imagine with the African-American slave trade. But it wasn’t good. The Bible doesn’t invent slavery or say that it’s good—but it does recognise the reality and seek to address how masters and slaves should treat each other.
How are slaves to treat their masters? They are to obey them (verse 5). That’s the central command in Ephesians 6:5-8. What does that look like? Paul qualifies this with the following:
With respect — recognising their authority and treating them accordingly;
With fear — having a healthy and serious appreciation of their authority;
With sincerity of heart — seeking to obey them from the heart in a genuine way;
All the time — including when they’re not looking;
Wholeheartedly — doing this willingly.
They are to obey their masters “just as you would obey Christ” (verse 5).
Why? Because there’s a reward coming: “You know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free.”
What’s the reward? We’re not told explicitly. But from other parts of the Bible, we can probably assume that it involves:
Our inheritance (Colossians 3:23–24)
Jesus saying, “Well done good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21)
Sharing in Jesus’ glory (Romans 8:17)
How are masters to treat their slaves? In verse 9, we’re told that masters should treat their slaves with the same respect and sincerity expected of the slaves. In addition, they won’t threaten their slaves.
Why? Paul tells them to do this “since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favouritism with him”. In other words, since God is ultimately in charge of everyone and treats them equally, regardless of their status, so masters should treat everyone in like manner.
How might this translate to jobs (or part-time jobs)? While the modern employee-employer context is different, many of the same principles will still apply. Employees should obey their bosses and work hard. They should respect them, appropriately fear them, be sincere and serve wholeheartedly, even when the boss isn’t looking. They should obey their bosses, just as they would obey Christ.
Similarly, bosses should treat their workers with dignity and respect, and not show favouritism.
Discussion Questions
This content is designed for a seminar night at Youth :
Opening Mini-Talk: Living a New Life (Ephesians 4:17-24)
Seminar 1: Relationships and Speech
Read Ephesians 4:25-32, 5:4, 5:18-20
How shouldn’t we speak?
How should we speak?
What about jokes?
Why is what the Bible teaches about these topics important?
What do you need to change and/or remember?
Seminar 2: Relationships and Purity
Read Ephesians 5:1-7
Whose example should we follow?
How much sin is acceptable?
Verse 3 says “not even a hint” of sexual immorality. What counts as a “hint”?
Why is this so important?
What do you need to change and/or remember?
Seminar 3: The Marriage Relationship
Read Ephesians 5:22-33
How are husbands and wives to treat each other?
What does their treatment of each other have in common? What is different?
What is marriage modelled on?
How might this passage help us think about who to date and when to date?
What do you need to change and/or remember?
Seminar 4: Family Relationships
Read Ephesians 6:1-5
How are children to treat their parents? Why?
How are parents to treat their children? Why?
What do you need to change and/or remember?
Seminar 5: Workplace Relationships
Read Ephesians 6:5-9
How are slaves to treat their masters? Why?
How are masters to treat their slaves? Why?
How might this translate to part-time jobs?
What do you need to change and/or remember?
Pray and Give Thanks
Other Posts in this Series
Ephesians 1:1-14 (marticles.net/eph1a)
Ephesians 1:15-23 (marticles.net/eph1b)
Ephesians 2:1-10 (marticles.net/eph2a)
Ephesians 2:11-22 (marticles.net/eph2b)
Ephesians 3 (marticles.net/eph3)
Ephesians 4:1-16 (marticles.net/eph4a)
Ephesians 4:17-6:9 (marticles.net/eph4b)
Ephesians 6:10-24 (marticles.net/eph6)
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